For this Post, I shall be named "Damned One"
I can't change. I am who I am. When I meet people, I start everyone in the "like pile". I think everyone is entitled to their opinions. I think everyone deserve respect. I try to live by the Evelyn Beatrice Hall quote "I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it". I think everyone can feel and think they way they choose. I have no power over anyone else to determine how others live their lives. If I am asked my opinion, I will give it. I will defend it to a certain point--I am not going to argue over opinions. I know some people believe their opinions are FACTS, carved in stone, written in blood and God help you should you dare feel differently.
I learned another big lesson fairly recently: there are people who will remember something you have said and then throw it in your face when it suits their purpose. This lesson I have probably learned several times over in my life, but I clearly remember this time. The lesson was unusually painful because I considered this person a trusted friend. Turns out she wanted me to change who I am. She fears for my "eternal soul". She wants to secure my spot in eternity. I knew she was very faithful, I respected that. I have a foul mouth and I speak my mind (but have faith). She knew that, she told me she respected it. Together we referred to me as "sparkly". Her friends told me I was "refreshing". I have very open-minded views on some very "hot button" topics. She has very opposite views on these same topics. I thought we had decided that we liked each other enough that we could just ignore these topics. For two years I believed this. Two years.
It has come to my attention (by her) that I am "angry" and "hostile". Oh, I hope those of you that see this blog learn that I am nowhere NEAR angry or hostile--but I figured out when one is accused of be angry and hostile, one becomes, well, a bit angry, and comes off as a tad hostile. She decided the best place for this "talk" is in the middle of a church youth group drop off. She looked me dead in the eye and let me know she had found a group that I can join and feel safe asking questions, "because no question is too hostile". "Hostile" was whispered into my ear as she pulled me to her after looking around the room to make sure no one was listening. (Is there a rule about being seen with someone you believe is hostile? Is there a rule about calling someone hostile?) I held my shit together, but apparently the smile left my eyes (my smile left the freaking county).
"This isn't how I thought this conversation would go, you don't look happy." Says she
"I don't think I have ever been called hostile." Says I
"Damned One, you're angry all the time, you always say "F this" and "that pisses me off", and, well your views on ___________." she replies with a strange sort of quirk to her mouth and squinted-up eyes. (There is no need to say what tidbit she threw in my face. It was something I said two years ago that horrified her at the time. I know, I know, it could any number of things---I have opened minded views on most things (she doesn't), so whatever you, Reader, place on that line would still make this scenario work.) *grin, wink*
She kept talking about how this group could help me and I could be safe because she just doesn't have it in her to answer all the questions I have. For two years I thought she was the "safe one".
I walked away from that conversation knowing the friendship was broken. She wants me to fix me. She feels I am broken. She needs me to change, or this friendship can't be. (In all fairness to her--this is not the first time she has tried to show me the "error of my ways"--I always tried to politely re-buff her). I always respected her faith and how she practiced it. I know now, that she does not (can't?) respect me. This time I felt bullied and realized she does not think of me as an equal. To her, I am lost...........
About four days later a letter from her arrived in the mail. I opened it to find a small note letting me know she had no intention of discussing this topic with me ever again, but that God had prompted her after her morning devotionals to try once more. Inside the envelope was a portion of a magazine page cut out from from her church's bulletin--about the group she wanted me to join. I read the description, right there, in black ink, was the word that destroyed a friendship: Hostile.
I can't change.
I would never think to ask her to.
